Recently I decided to retake a 16 personalities test. Famously known as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, it gives you a description of the kind of person you are and what is your personality. Personally for me I found that the test results were pretty accurate. It tells that I am an INFJ-T (Introverted, Intuituve, Feeling, Judging-Turbulent). Though the test tells me I am an introvert (about 52%) I actually consider myself as an ambivert.
Maybe some of you who are reading this are ambiverts themselves. But if you aren't one, allow me to explain how I am.
You never know what to expect from me because my level of extroversion swings from day to day. If I'm in a group and don't feel completely at ease, I'll usually listen rather than speak. But when I'm with my buddies, there's no stopping me from talking (atleast most of the time). As a result, some of my friends are perplexed by me (and clearly, I am unconcerned about such things). I don't mind being the centre of attention when I'm among people I know, but in any other setting, I hate it (one could say I'm not very open to being loved, or even believes I don't deserve it that much). People assume I have a large circle of friends, but this is not the case. Not only that, but if I don't like someone, I'll probably take a chance and quit a chat as soon as feasible. I might not even listen to them if I don't exhibit the "positive side" of myself. The next thing I can connect to is how when I take a break to recharge, people begin to wonder why I am so silent. And after making such a big fuss about wanting to spend time alone, I can easily become bored. Group chats have a love-hate relationship with me. And flirting successfully is almost impossible for ambiverts. I enjoy celebrating my birthday, but the part where everyone looks at you while you cut the cake feels like they are congratulating you for living in this pathetic world for another year, and this is quite unsatisfing and stressful. Even while I am not a complete wallflower, asserting myself can be difficult at times. I enjoy making new friends, but I am always concerned about those awkward silences. And, on occasion, people may mistake me for an extrovert and place me in circumstances where I am unsure of what to do. This has happened far too many times for me to simply tell them I can't do it and leave without a second's pause or the need to consider how that decision would affect me later. Now the next issue I have is so dreading. I frequently find myself split between going out with friends and staying at home by myself. When you have a set of parents who genuinely care about you and who want a detailed itinerary of what you intend to do when you go outside, it's often easier to just smile and stay in your room. And I overthink everything because I'm always trying to find the ideal balance between being outgoing and being alone. Again, if I do go out, I usually finish up wishing I had stayed at home.
But generally it is really fun though. It is like a funny rollercoaster. I get to live the best of both worlds. I can understand almost every single person I come across. Obviously there have been people who used this to their advantage and at the end of the day just left me like garbage. But it kind of gives me a bit of hope when I look at someone and immediatly understand what they have on their mind and say something that might make them feel better. Even through chats I sometimes crack the sadness of the person on the other side. Sometimes it feels strange. I wonder how I was able to have this sort of a super power of just being able to bring someone to smile. And like many humans out there, when you smile the brightest, you hide your deepest secrests. Darkness haunts my mind a lot. Living in terms with it is not easy but is definitly doable. At the moment while writing this blog post, a sense of easiness and calmness passed through my entire body.
I just wish to live a beautiful life. Even with hardships, sadness, getting thrown around, getting used, having no one's shoulder to cry on comfortably or just spending my time in my own nightmares and traumas, I simply wish others don't have to go through any of this. My social bio reads this quote which I am trying to live every day.
"Aspire to inspire, before you expire."
For now this is letting me live. I know who all really stick with me and who might not. Who will be with me for something in return, and who all are with me just because they enjoy my company. If I don't use my opportunity now and be who I am and be there for my close ones, the samurai in me won't forgive me.
*This blog's main artwork "Ronin" is by @dee.creative.pod . Follow him on his Instagram!!!